The Pain of Loneliness

At what time in your life did you feel the ache of loneliness?  I will never forget flying once from the Middle East to Montreal.  Even the presence of my twin next to me did not take away the pain of leaving my parents behind. The bleak desert sands matched my mood as the plane rose ever higher and further away from them. Due to limited work options in the oil industry in the 1970s, our father had accepted a position in Saudi Arabia. Even more limiting were the education options for high schoolers. We were flying “home” to live with guardians and to finish our education, clutching our little stuffed camels for comfort. Our family was now split between 3 provinces, and 3 countries, in a pre-cell phone era. I had to draw on my closest friends for support. Where do you turn to for comfort?

Stuck in the Sidelines

Who is the community that helps you feel grounded? Perhaps you have felt the sting of being left out in a friend group, or you lack the close friend you longed for. Or your partner and soul mate has broken up with you. And all your friends are married while you are single. Or you experience the pain of pregnancy loss when everyone else is having kids. A serious invisible illness or injury keeps some people grounded from doing activities they love. I experienced that too. No one wants to stay benched, watching life pass by from the sidelines. If we open our hearts and dare to be vulnerable, we can find connection with others where we least expect it. And discover that in our unique struggle, we may be less solo than we think! Perhaps we can be that coach and cheerleader for someone else in their challenging season.

I remember how a chance encounter with an old friend, while stopping for groceries, led to a revived friendship. She informed me her bike had just been stolen, a source of comfort during an already overwhelming period in her life. We often let the busyness or stresses of life take what a thief does not. At times of mounting demands, we can fail to connect with those who help us recharge our batteries when we need it most. I was happy to reconnect with my friend and offer support, when the demands of life had kept us apart for too long. We began swimming together again and I was reminded of the gift of laughter and companionship. She was as much of a gift to me as I was to her that day. And she was the friend who first invited me to participate in a triathlon.

Random Acts of Kindness

This friend once invited me to be the cyclist for her triathlon relay team years earlier. This gesture came at a rough season in my life, when I was literally struggling to get back on my feet. This adventure brought more benefits than she knows and led me to more athletic feats and friendships I ever imagined!  Haven’t we all experienced the pick-me-up that comes with a spontaneous kind gesture? The most meaningful gifts are those you humbly receive when you have little to offer in return. One of my favorite podcasts is NPR’s “My Unsung Hero.” It shares stories of how simple acts of kindness during tough times made lasting impressions on others. We never know the full ripple effect. Kindness is contagious!

I remember returning to California, depleted after my mom’s unexpected death, right before Covid exploded. The kind gesture of a stewardess, who asked if I would like a hug, is one I will never forget. It was like a balm for my aching heart. Touch is my love language! It is always good practice to ask first before hugging, to respect personal boundaries, especially in post-pandemic times.

Soon after I returned from saying a final goodbye to my mom, I received many hugs through the mail. My mailbox was flooded with cards from members of my church. Friends did not ask me if I needed help; they just showed up through the post. And when I was temporarily incapacitated years before following surgery complications, they appeared with meals. When people are overwhelmed, they may not even know how to ask for help. Just offer!  Your actions speak louder than words. And sometimes not saying anything and silently sitting with someone is the best comfort of all to show they are not alone.

Creative Outlets in Chaos

At times we may not even have the bandwidth to give or receive love from others. And we recharge by being alone. That’s ok! Maybe you are by nature an introvert and need to re-energize alone in your happy place. Explore what that is. During the pandemic, I spent countless hours alone, with all the mandates to stay at home. And I turned to new pursuits.  I planted a Covid garden, not knowing I had a knack for growing vegetables. And I found unexpected satisfaction watching them explode in my garden and create meals from ingredients that I had nurtured from seedlings. Also, I turned to art, not realizing I had a gift for acrylic painting. A critical high school art teacher had once somehow conveyed a message that I was not a real artist. What other fallacies do we tell ourselves that can steal our joy and connection?

In a sense, the whole world grieved a sense of collective loss during Covid and bonded together through communal suffering. But hopefully the lessons learned from that surreal season were not lost. While our losses are less obvious today, with no more restrictions in place, there is also the subtle discontent that comes up in life that we struggle to identify. Where we feel left out, left behind, or lost. We often try to flee from negative feelings and fill the vacuum with other things, but sometimes we must pause to think of what is causing the discomfort. And decide what changes we need to make to reclaim our joy.  We can find it in little ways. For me, it was finding creative outlets outdoors. At a time when everything was changing, there was a reassurance that the rhythmic patterns of nature remained the same.

Expectation versus Reality

 Sometimes the disappointment of loneliness comes from the gap between the expectation and the reality. You may be surrounded by people and truly want to connect, but still feel lonely. You crave that special connection but struggle to make the first effort in a social setting. When you feel unnoticed at gatherings, like church, where you would expect people to be welcoming, it’s even more painful.  Being alone in a group can be worse than being intentionally solo. You wonder if anyone will see you. Or if they just choose not to notice. I always remember those who noticed me and chose to act when they sensed my pain, like my high school English teacher. She invited me to her home and visited me at boarding school. And she prompted me to stay engaged with classmates instead of burying my loneliness in textbooks. We remain in touch to this day.

Why do social outlets like churches not fill the needs for community and connection as they once did? Perhaps work has replaced community, and yet people often feel disposable there, despite years of loyalty. Like megachurches, you’re welcome but nobody knows your name. On leaving, people are quickly forgotten and replaced. After decades of faithful service, they receive no personalized farewells. It is easy to feel lost when a source of identity disappears without warning. Considering the loneliness epidemic today, the US Surgeon General’s office created an Advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community. But why do we need an advisory today for something that societies once did naturally, when people looked out for each other? When joining a new community, you must first process the loss of your previous one. Then ask what you want in a community. Or you must create your own.

The Bunker Mentality

My father, who survived occupation and imprisonment in the Netherlands during War II, said the Covid isolation felt even more lonely. During the war, he had the fellow camaraderie of fellow resistance workers as they united to fight the Germans. Or those he bunkered down with in blackouts during bombing runs. Even after the sudden loss of his wife of 65 years, acquaintances sometimes resorted to a solo bunker mentality and did not always think creatively how to connect. As restrictions eased, it was hard for some to transition to personal interactions, and easier to remain behind the convenience of home or the security of devices. It reminds me of the early days of the Internet when my colleagues would email each other from across the hall, instead of walking over as they used to. Or today when people stare at screens, not talking to those in front of them.

Connection in Community

At a time when we have more technological means to connect than ever before, it is ironic that many people have also never felt less alone. Even before the pandemic hit, people worldwide were reporting more levels of loneliness: According a Science Alert article, the University of Sydney pulled data from 113 European countries between 2000 and 2019, which showed that severe loneliness was a chronic, overlooked problem. Some scientists even call it an epidemic. Epidemiologists have found it hard to quantify on a global scale; some studies say one in twelve people suffer from this to the point of causing serious health problems. And post-pandemic statistics were even higher. A 2021 loneliness survey on Statistica reported 33% of adults feeling loneliness worldwide.  The American Psychological Association (APA) reported similar rates in 2024 in the US, as did a Meta-Gallup Poll.

There were a few surprises that may question our understanding of loneliness.  In the Statistica survey, seniors reported the lowest rates! Age 15 and up, 24% reported feeling lonely; age 19-29, showed 27% and interestingly only 17% of seniors responded to feeling fairly or very lonely. Internationally Netherlands, Germany, Japan, and Russia had the lowest rates of responders reporting loneliness, whereas Brazil at 50% had the highest and India, Turkey and Saudi Arabia followed.

Interestingly, some surveys in 2024 show workers who had a hybrid situation with in-person and remote work more often reported feelings of loneliness than remote workers. But feeling connected at work remains a problem for many. And curiously, those who socialized daily reported feeling most lonely, compared to those who infrequently or rarely socialized. Thankfully people are finding healthy ways to cope with loneliness through exercise and through therapy.

Coping Strategies for Loneliness

Sometimes we take ourselves or our problems too seriously and even simply smiling at a random stranger can take us out of our own heads. Too often, a fear of rejection keeps us from daily connections. We think others might not acknowledge us. They won’t smile back. Or we fret over a response to an email or text, or a face-to-face conversation that may fall flat. Keep trying, it gets easier. Do not anticipate a negative reaction and become more anxious. Here is what I do to forget about feeling lonely and to focus on other things: before loneliness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

FORGET feeling sad

Find ways to connect- phone a friend, find common interests, forge new friendships.

Offer time to someone else- volunteer or do a simple gesture to brighten someone’s day.

Reflect on the good. Remember gratitude; current negatives need not become permanent.

Get outside your comfort zone, get dirty in the garden, get lost in a creative artsy project.

Embrace solitude and silence; enjoy a date with yourself and become your own best friend!

Try something new: Shake it up, drive a new way home. Sample new music, foods, or styles.

Quality over Quantity

We should also make the most of interactions and focus on quality, not the quantity. Instead of having many casual friends, focus on a few with whom you can safely confide. Or if you find more companionship with animals, foster a pet. Follow your passion. This is especially important as we head into retirement years when we lose the identity of work, so that we are not caught wondering what our purpose and meaning is. Certain countries like the United Kingdom, Canada and the Netherlands are tailoring isolation/loneliness intervention programs to target specific groups, and general practitioners are prescribing social care and physical activities. These can include referrals to groups of shared interests and emotional support groups that meet online or in person. But it is hard to imagine how “social prescriptions” could possibly be added to the already overburdened schedules of health practitioners! What is you prescription for loneliness?

Whatever your strategy to combat your struggles, it takes courage: In her book Forever Strong Dr. Lyon writes: “Without fear there is no courage. To amplify your courage, you must embrace your fear…so often people focus on the fight or freeze response.” She encourages us to “tend and befriend…reach out to your community for help…call a friend and tell them where your head is. You will find power in the community by teaming up with others.” She encourages us to “get teammates on board, or work to support someone else. When you are feeling less than strong, draw on the courage of those around you. Patience and self-compassion are mandatory for perseverance to do its magic…plan for your struggles or perceived weaknesses.” Whether you are a natural extrovert or an introvert, remember it is the quality of the interaction and not the frequency.

Loneliness: The New Smoking?

Is loneliness the new “smoking? According to the US Surgeon General, the “epidemic” loneliness is a public health crisis that threatens our health, from aches and pains to sleep issues to a weakened immune response: not to mention, productivity, fulfillment, and relationships.  Will we prioritize it the way we do other major health issues like tobacco, substance abuse, or obesity?

Surgeon General Vivek wrote “Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an under-appreciated public health crisis and has harmed individual and societal health.”  Our relationships are a source of healthier, more fulfilled, and productive lives. While loneliness is a complex issue with nuances that affect us differently at various points in our lives, we can all do our part to alleviate it. South Korea is taking this to the extreme: they are spending $227 million to stop it. They consider it a societal failing that thousands of Koreans die quietly alone, without friends or family nearby. Koreans have a word for his “godoksa. As a caregiver, my sister witnessed this firsthand, when she occasionally would discover a senior who had silently died with no loved ones on hand and family members who have long since moved on. But can we really “create a city where no one is lonely?”

Solving the loneliness epidemic is proving more complex than expected. According to one interesting study, loneliness doesn’t just make people feel isolated, it changes the prefrontal cortex of the brain! This was studied at a remote frigid polar station in Antarctica, where scientists subjected themselves to brain scans, brain chemistry tests and cognitive tests after an extended stint there. The effects persisted at least a month and a half after their return.

Anti- Loneliness Strategies

Contrary to expectations, neuroscientists in Israel and Germany discovered loneliness was not affiliated with the amygdala (the “fear” center) and social anxiety part of the brain. So simply telling lonely people to get out and socialize more or giving them access to potential friends isn’t always the answer. Lonely people tend to pick up on negative signals, such as rejection, faster. Thus, they were naturally more distant, cautious, and reserved. And negative emotions spiraled faster in social interactions, in person or online.

Still, Korea is trying to tackle loneliness by setting up 24/7 hotlines, an online platform for counseling, and follow-up measures that in include in-in person visits and consultations.  In addition to increased psychological services, they also want to introduce more green spaces, since nature gives us a natural serotonin boost. And they want to devise nutritional plans for middle age and senior residents and a “search system” to locate individuals in need of assistance. And activities to coax citizens outside and connect people through gardening clubs, and sports. But it hard to change culture overnight and agree upon implementation. The Netherlands has innovative initiatives like cooperatives where young people live in senior facilities at reduced rent.

Other countries, like the US, advocate simple changes, like sharing a meal at the dining table, a room that is often neglected or included in today’s limited space options, and too often people turn to the couch or the bedroom or their workspace to eat solo. I have seen those trends in schools too, where competing building needs result in eliminating staff-rooms, and teachers resort to eating in classrooms.

Workplace: The New Church?

The workplace and other social groups have slowly taken the place that the church used to, where many people find identity and community.  Workplaces like to fill that role, so you never have to leave the office. Why leave when everything you need is right there? Of course, it is a reciprocal relationship that relies on a certain level of commitment and performance, and people can be readily dismissed by the workplace community for no apparent fault of their own.

Losing one’s sense of identity brings from work brings even more sense of loneliness when it is your only source of connection. Especially when it is a major source of where we spend our time, compared to other countries. When people do not take time to pursue passions and discover new interests, they can feel lost when they leave work and no longer have an identity in their jobs. Though lonely people often find connection difficult or unrewarding, that does not mean they do not crave it. In fact, researchers in one study examined the brain imaging of people looking at food. And then they studied the brain waves of lonely people. And the same neural signals were activated. We are hungry for contact! Where do you find your identity? Who are the go-to people you look to for community? And how can you help provide that connection for someone else?